By Krishna Valdez, Greater Good Magazine

Researchers explored why some people can forgive themselves after a wrongdoing, while others remain stuck in perpetual guilt and shame.

When my newborn daughter was two days old, I told my husband to call 911. She refused to eat and seemed lethargic, even for a newborn. But then I wavered, believing it was my postpartum hormones overreacting. Instead, I kept vigil over her all night and brought her to the pediatrician the next morning. He immediately sent us to the hospital.

During a nightmarish two weeks, my daughter was diagnosed with bacterial sepsis. She lived and is now a healthy eight year old, but for years, I felt stuck in remorse and guilt for not trusting my first instinct to call the emergency line.

A new study explored why some people can forgive themselves after a wrongdoing or failure, while others remain stuck in perpetual guilt and shame.

When the past is present

The researchers surveyed 80 U.S. adults online and asked them to describe in writing in as much detail as possible a time they could—or could not—forgive themselves, ranging from betraying another’s trust to neglecting an obligation to accidentally causing harm or staying too long in a toxic relationship.

One of the study’s coauthors, Lydia Woodyatt, describes self-forgiveness as “the process of understanding our failure or wrongdoing and its impact, and taking that seriously, while also being able to move forward and release ourselves from a sense of self-condemnation.”

Participants also answered follow-up questions about why the event still affected them, what they had done to move forward, what got in the way, and how they feel about it now. Most participants spent about seven to 10 minutes writing their responses. The research team then analyzed these answers to identify recurring emotional and psychological patterns.

Participants who struggled to forgive themselves often felt trapped in the past, replaying events and living with guilt. Many constantly re-experienced the event in their minds, including the intense emotions it evoked. One participant wrote, “It is just something that plays over in my mind a lot, and it’s like the event keeps happening and I feel all the emotions all over again.”

Others said the event still affects their relationships, work, and self-esteem years later. This is because rumination can trap us in a guilt cycle, says therapist Saba Harouni Lurie. She recommends “reality testing” as a way to see that you may be partially to blame for something, but that there are likely other factors at play.

In the study, those who forgave themselves described making a conscious choice and concerted effort to do so. “I needed to forgive myself so I could stop blaming myself and stop looking toward the past when I needed to be looking toward the future,” wrote one participant.

Those who experienced self-forgiveness seemed to have less intrusive emotions than those who were unable to forgive, though some admitted they still harbored negative emotions around the event itself.

The weight of personal responsibility—how much guilt a person carried for what happened

In the relationships they wrote about, many participants experienced a heightened obligation for the other person’s well-being, especially when it involved family, friends, or caregiving roles. Participants often struggled with the belief that they should have foreseen harm and prevented it.

In one account, a participant reflected on his father’s suicide. “All I would have had to have done is talked to him more that morning or offer to go on a walk with him. I still feel immense loss and guilt. I can never undo what was done.”

In the study, participants who were able to forgive themselves often reached a turning point when they accepted the limits of their control, recognizing that while they may have regrets, they could not have predicted or prevented everything. Rather than erasing their sadness or regret, this reframing seemed to help them move past self-blame toward a more realistic understanding of their role in what happened.

For example, one participant wrote: “The only real barrier to forgiving . . . was coming to the conclusion that things don’t always work out the way you want them to. So the barrier was trying to get over the idea that I could do something that just wasn’t doable at the time.”

When our choices clash with our values

Many participants said their mistakes felt incompatible with the kind of person they believed themselves to be, and felt they didn’t deserve self-forgiveness because what they had done couldn’t be undone.

“I never thought I was the kind of person who would ever cheat,” one participant admitted.

Psychologist Lisa Larsen says it’s vital to be honest about our mistakes without letting them define us—to recognize a bad choice and know you’re capable of better ones.

Self-compassion plays a central role, too. Lurie says, “Offering yourself care and kindness, even and especially when you’re in the wrong or have done something you regret, is crucial.” Taking accountability doesn’t have to mean self-punishment.

Participants who forgave themselves tended to accept their imperfections and recommit to their personal values.

One mother admitted, “In order to be the best parent I could be, I had to forgive myself and focus on my daughter. I just had to make myself understand that there were many factors that contributed to my daughter’s depression, and I was not solely to blame.”

How we cope matters

Those who forgave themselves didn’t avoid their pain but worked through it. Although participants used similar strategies (e.g., conversing with friends, attending therapy, staying busy), people who forgave themselves processed emotions rather than being distracted from them.

Different therapeutic strategies for this might include narrative or cognitive processing therapy, mindfulness, journaling, art therapy, and EMDR, suggests Chloë Bean, a somatic trauma therapist.

Bean invites her clients to notice what arises physically when they contemplate self-forgiveness: “What ideas, images, words, or behaviors come up? Does a part of you want forgiveness while another part resists it? Is there confusion around that inner conflict?”

When we can approach life as an ongoing practice of learning rather than obtaining perfection, Bean says, we create room for curiosity and openness, rather than fearing our mistakes.

Avoidance or suppression, by contrast, often reinforces unpleasant thoughts. As one participant shared, “I have to just put the situation out of my mind. It’s not very effective.”

But self-forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, says Larsen. Instead, it’s about working through the emotions and choosing self-compassion.

The ongoing work of letting go

Woodyatt hopes this emerging research on shame and regret helps clinicians, counselors, and mental health support workers to improve their practice.

As the study suggests, self-forgiveness isn’t a linear process, but one that requires time, reflection, and self-kindness.

Keywords; psychology, forgiveness