By Jill Suttie, Greater Good Magazine

A new book by Nicholas Epley explains the research behind why we should reach out to other people, despite our hesitancy to do so.

Most of us probably know by now that our relationships can be the greatest source of health and happiness in life. Whether they are our closest loved ones, colleagues, neighbors, or even strangers, connecting with those around us can be a source of well-being.

But so many of us don’t, especially when it comes to strangers. We pass by opportunities to extend ourselves even a little to people who cross our path, looking away rather than engaging, staying isolated rather than interacting.

In his new book, A Little More Social, Nicholas Epley explains why that happens and how we can overcome our hesitation. In study after study, his research has shown that we consistently underestimate the benefits of connecting with others, which leads us to reach out less often than we should. By sharing stories of making a choice to engage more regularly with strangers from his own life and from others’ lives, he aims to inspire us to be more sociable and reap the benefits.

“Unlike more punishing self-improvement goals like exercising more or eating better, practicing to become a little more social is a surprisingly positive experience,” he writes. Even for introverts!

Why we resist reaching out

According to Epley, the reason we don’t connect more with others is that we’re afraid of what might happen. Perhaps we’ll be poor conversationalists or other people will reject our attempts—or maybe they’ll just turn out to be jerks!

However, Epley has found that once you do seize opportunities to open up to people, even those who seem unapproachable, they will more than likely respond positively to your efforts. But, he writes, three things tend to get in the way of us testing this out. 

1. Exaggerated uncertainty: our tendency to not like uncertainty and anticipate the worst outcome

We can’t predict exactly how an opening salvo will land; the future is always a little uncertain. But these uncertainties are generally exaggerated, writes Epley, because, as humans, we are primed for reciprocity—of responding to people the way they respond to us. If you approach someone in a warm, interested way, they are likely to return the favor. He writes:

How a social experience unfolds is . . . not as uncertain as we might imagine, generally ending up in a way that is consistent with how it began. If you reach out and treat someone like a friend, then they’re likely to reach back and treat you like a friend in return. If you treat someone like a stranger and ignore them, then they’re likely to ignore you right back.

His research has found that, over and over again, people worry about conversations with strangers being awkward—but they rarely are as awkward as people anticipate.

2. Mismatched perspectives: judging ourselves more harshly than we would others, thinking we’re less competent

People usually judge others by their competence and warmth. But we tend to gravitate toward warm people before learning if they are competent or not, because we assume a likable person can be trusted and has good intentions. Yet, when thinking of starting a conversation with someone new, we can get overly critical of our competence, when that’s less important in that moment.

“Failing to realize that we look at ourselves through a lens of competence while others are evaluating our warmth can leave us underestimating just how positive reaching out can make others feel,” he writes. 

3. Confusing environments: not reaching out becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy

If you let your pessimism become a hindrance to testing out hypotheses about what might happen if you talk to a stranger, you end up concluding it will be a negative experience before even trying. This means you can’t learn and grow from real-world encounters, which would otherwise expand your idea of how warm and friendly people can generally be.

“When your beliefs about how others might respond are guiding your decisions about whom to reach out to and whom to avoid, then they’re also constraining the data in ways that make it a confusing source to learn from,” writes Epley.

Talking beats digital communication

Even understanding these hindrances may not be enough to convince you to change. For many of us, engaging with strangers just doesn’t come naturally, especially now that so many of us work and shop online. We’d rather text with our friends or play on social media than risk meeting someone new.

But using our phones to text or email to socialize is less ideal than you might think, even with friends, writes Epley. That’s because when you communicate with someone through writing, you lose the instant feedback, as well as the emotional tone of someone’s response, that can be best understood by talking—both of which foster more closeness.

“Being constantly connected through our phones and the internet, the tools we use to stay constantly connected to others elsewhere can lack the rhythm of synchrony and sound of the human voice that makes interactions as enjoyable, informative, and connecting as they could be,” he writes.

For example, in one study where Epley compared communications between friends and between strangers using texting, emailing, or voice-based ways of connecting (phoning and video), he found that people who used voice-based communication felt more connection with friends and with strangers, alike, despite their expectations to the contrary. This points to our mismatch between what we’re seeking and what we do in real life.

“Although you’d be much happier getting to know someone by actually talking in conversation with them, not appreciating this beforehand might leave you choosing the ease of email or one-sided social media to connect with someone instead,” he writes.

Talking also helps bring connection in situations where we are trying to engage across perceived social divides, like between people of different ages, races, religions, or political affiliations. Interacting with people who are different from us can lessen animosity and stereotyping, creating more warmth and, potentially, happier communities.

Even when there is vehement disagreement (such as in discussing polarizing political issues), Epley writes, people humanize each other more and have more constructive conversations when they hear each other’s voices and exchange information in real time, rather than reading arguments in written form. In this way, conversations can help bridge differences in ways that texting or social media can’t.

“The value of sitting down and talking directly with someone isn’t a new remedy for strengthening our connections and increasing our happiness,” writes Epley. “What’s new is that in order to use this age-old remedy, you increasingly have to choose it.”

How we might connect more

So how can we learn to be just a little bit more social? Recognizing our hesitancy is ill-founded can help us take the initiative and try reaching out. Even bringing up “boring” everyday subjects has been found to be more enjoyable than people expect it be.

It’s also true that we can try to go a bit deeper with people, beyond simple chit-chat, and gain more out of a conversation, writes Epley. His research has found that conversations with strangers don’t have to be as shallow as you may think and, in fact, people feel better when they aren’t (despite predictions to the contrary).

One of the more heartwarming stories in Epley’s book involves trying to enact this magic during a presentation to a group of finance executives. During his talk, he surprises his audience by randomly pairing up participants to have an intimate conversation based on four prompts: what they were grateful for, what they’d want to know about their future if they had a crystal ball, what they looked for in a close friend, and when they’d last cried in front of someone—all pretty revealing topics.

The crowd’s initial reaction was a collective groan—one guy yelled out, “Oh shit!” But, once they got going, the whole room became animated and energized with conversation; there was smiling, laughing, hugging, and even tearing up, in one case. Everyone enjoyed the conversations much more than they’d expected, based on before-and-after surveys.

Of course, Epley was not too surprised. Similar exercises modeled on Arthur Aron’s “fast friends” intervention have been done with a wide variety of groups showing similar, positive results.

How can we move from experiments like these to taking action in the real world?

Epley suggests a few approaches. The easiest and simplest way is to just say hello and smile. Often that’s enough to get the ball rolling, and you can let it go from there, perhaps remarking on something you and another person are both doing at the moment, like standing in line at the grocery store or taking a plane trip to the same city.

There are other prosocial ways to help you initiate conversation with someone. You might try offering them a compliment (“I like your outfit!”), show a bit of kindness (“Would you like to go in front of me in line?”), or express gratitude (“Thanks for making that coffee just how I like it”). If offered genuinely and sincerely—i.e., not as manipulation or to sell something—compliments, kindnesses, and gratitude invite a warm connection with other people. Not only with strangers, but with those we know well, too.

Trying to make reaching out habit-forming is good for us, says Epley. You don’t have to jump off the deep end right away and become a social butterfly. You can start by being just a little more open to noticing easy opportunities to engage. Leave your cell phone, earbuds, and other social distractions out of reach, and pay attention to the world outside, he advises. By experimenting with initiating connection often, and sometimes more deeply, you’ll soon see that talking with a stranger is a gift that will bring you more joy in life and create a warmer, friendlier world, besides.

“Testing your doubts . . . is the first step to learning where misplaced pessimism might be keeping you from doing a little more good in your life by being a little more social,” writes Epley.

Keywords; relationships, psychology